Ira Glass Waters-Waters

Ira Glass Waters-Waters is the adopted son of Gayle Waters-Waters. Gayle abducted Ira from a Costco when he was six years old, hoping his broad shoulders would be helpful for rowing tandem sea-kayaks when he got older.

When Gayle decided Ira was no longer of use to her, she sold him on eBay. His buyer was later revealed to be Bonnie. When Gayle received a call from Dr. Bruce saying that Ira needed a retainer, Gayle stole Ira back from Bonnie in order to spend more time with Bruce. He continued to live as Gayle's son up until The Christmas Card, when Ira left Gayle and hitchhiked to Santa Fe to find his real parents. It is unknown whether or not his attempted trip to Santa Fe was successful, or if he ever found his parents.

Ira's birth name, and the identities of his true parents, are unknown.